This is a rush transcript from "Glenn Beck," March 16, 2011. This copy may not be in its final form and may be updated.
GLENN BECK, HOST: Hi, neighbor.
(HUMMING)
It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood. Ah, let me tell you something. Boy and girls, I think the fat kid was right. I think that that little punk that kept throwing the punches -- that's right, boys and girls, I think the -- I think the fat kid should have done what he did. Yes. Isn't that great? Don't you just love it when fat kids all of a sudden just go boom? Isn't that great?
Today, boys and girls, I'm going to teach you the story of the three little pigs. This is how screwed up our nation is. This is how screwed up it is. Have you ever read "The Three Little Pigs"? I mean, the actual one? I mean, you know, fairy tales, "Grimm's Fairy Tales" -- they are -- you read them as an adult now and you're reading them to your kid and you're like, and they ate the brains of the troll. And you're like, holy cow, I don't remember that.
These are children's stories that were told for centuries for a reason. But now we've gutted them all out because they're too violent, they're too scary, they're too meaty. We can't subject our kids to something like that. What will they learn? Oh, I don't know, maybe to toughen up because there's really scary things out there.
So we've been lulled to sleep. That's what fairy tales are. They're not sleepy time, beddy-bye stories. We're being fattened up in the progressive witch's cottage simmering, you know, over a hardy fire and we're all sitting around going, this is such a great gravy bath I'm in right now. I love it. Boy it's getting hot in here and why do they got carrots near my legs?
Yes. You remember the real story of "The Three Little Pigs" before it was homogenized, pasteurized and dignified? We all know that there were three little pigs. This one was fat and lazy. This one wanted to sing and dance all day. And this one was like, what are you doing? Right?
The first one wanted to sing and dance all day. Build a house out of straw. What happened? The big, bad wolf comes. I'm the big, bad wolf. And the little pig's like, uh oh, I'm in here, but I'm safe in this stupid little straw house. Big, bad wolf huffs, puffs, blows the stupid little pig out. Right?
Now, in the "Grimm's Fairy Tales," what happens? The pig doesn't run to brother two house. No, he's eaten, eaten. Second little pig. He builds it out of wood. Sticks. Huff and puff, blow the house in. This guy's just lazy. What happens? Real story -- gulp -- eaten. But he just wanted to -- he didn't want to work all day.
The responsible pig was the mason pig and at first I heard this and I went, the masons -- aren't they involved in the Federal Reserve? That can't be good. And then I realized, no, not that kind of mason. No. This is the one with the bricks and everything. He took a little more time, a little more effort. Does anybody remember where the little pigs -- where this whole story starts originally -- with the three little pigs being told, go out and make your own way. Go out and start your own life and make your own way.
Well, he prepares because he had heard the story that there is a big, bad wolf out there that likes to eat little pigs. Oh, and the brothers -- this one called him a conspiracy theorist. This one just said, oh, hee, hee, hee, he's just crazy. But he lived in a brick house. And when the big, bad wolf came to the door, huffed and puffed, he couldn't blow his house in.
Oh, the fear mongering of the Grimm's Brothers. What happens in the end? Well, this. The violent, racist, rhetoric about wolves scaring all the piglets in the forest. I mean, why had all the wolves suddenly disappeared with the last piggy administration. Wait, no, wait. That probably was not part of the original story. That part didn't come along until 2008.
Anyway, in the homogenized story, the big, bad wolf, he shows up, huffs and puffs and blows the house down and what happens? He eventually comes to the chimney and he is eaten because this little pig finds out about these two houses. And then he goes to the old woman's house and says, can I borrow some carrots and everything else? And prepares a pot, puts it over the stove and then says, you're not going to come in. And the wolf goes down the chimney and is boiled.
First two pigs blown down. They're eaten. The wolf -- he's fat and sassy. I mean, I don't know if this guy's realizing in the original story that these guys are actually in the wolf's tummy and so it makes him kind of a cannibalist -- kind of a creepy story but we don't need to go there.
What is the point of the three little pigs?" Why did this happen? Why did we tell this story? Don't be lazy. I mean, here, really, honestly. Now, he wanted to dance and sing all day. He's an artist. That's what he is. And that is why Nancy Pelosi -- the goat woman in my story -- comes out and says, baa baa. You should dance and sing all day.
In fact, that's what -- ha, ha, ha -- our 99 weeks are for because you can go out and be your own self and do your artwork. She actually said something damn near like that.
First little pig. Then this one doesn't want to work, you know, real hard. He's (INAUDIBLE). Richard Trumka, racking him up. He's a -- you think he's a donkey, but he's actually an ass in my story. But -- in fact, I think he's an ass in every story. But call me crazy.
Now I'm going to show you how the story now ends. Because the story was to teach you that you'll be eaten. You lose everything and you'll be eaten because there is a big, bad wolf. Don't be lazy. Don't sing and dance all day. Do these things. Prepare. Don't be lazy. Do the hard work. Prepare. So you'll survive.
But now, that's not what's being taught in school. This is the Disney end where they only ate the wolf. Wait until you see what they're teaching about the three little pigs today. Next.
(COMMERCIAL BREAK)
BECK: Are they playing the -- is the music implying that I look like Mr. Rogers? OK, don't answer that.
Here's the thing. I told you the story of the three little pigs. And the story of the three little pigs -- all of these stories were told to teach the children for hundreds of years lessons that parents said you can't forget. And the lesson was is that there are big, bad wolves out there that will eat you. Don't let them in by the hair of your chinny chin chin. Don't do it. And do your work or the wolf will eat you. But we don't teach that anymore because it's too scary.
I got news for you. There are wolves. Well, now, the Japanese are teaching us to be prepared. Right now, in Japan, they're teaching us be prepared. They have prepared as best they could. They didn't build out of straw or sticks. They took their time and did it right. That's why their buildings withstood.
This is the story of preparation and believing that there is a big, bad wolf and don't sing and dance all day. Understand. And there are consequences associated with the lack of preparation. The third little pig prepared well. But the latest version here is "The Three Little Pigs Revisited." It's great. You -- no -- it's popping up in classrooms now. Houses are made of recycled newspaper and aluminum and it's part of the fourth grade reading textbook. That's why I homeschool my kids because -- heh, heh, heh -- no.
Story Town "Winning Catch 4." There's an electronic version of it too. It's on the Internet. You might want to check it out. Well, in the new version, the wolf has a sudden heart attack at this point in the story -- oh, oh -- he's trying to blow down the third little pig's house which is not brick, of course, it's adobe.
The three little pigs rush to his aid and save him and while trying to flee from him once recovered, they realize that the huffing, puffing, blow your house down, that was -- that was simply a lack of communication. The three little pigs are explained by the big pig, no, you misunderstood the wolf. He just needs a place to live and was testing each of the adobe structural security to see if it was right for him.
The story is complete with housing shortages and houses made of recycled newspaper and aluminum. And we all have to work together as there's no wolf problem. It's a talking problem. We just have to understand the wolves' world and -- boo, hoo, hoo.
Yes, if we could all get along together and live in peace and harmony and sing Kum-bah-yah, well, then I believe half of us would be dead. End of the story, isn't it? Well, except we would leave a smaller carbon footprint. And if we could have convinced the wolf in time to lay off the red meat and stick to a natural organic vegan diet, well, maybe -- maybe -- maybe he wouldn't have had that heart attack in the first place.
Remember, kids, there are no wolves out there, just pigs who don't understand the wolf pack and what it's like to grow up in a wolf pack. Yes.
So parents, if your child comes home with "The Three Little Pigs Revisited," make sure it becomes recycled paper as fast as you can.
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